I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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