there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
