I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My feet surprised me
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
