you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Pants are for mortals
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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