my phone needs a breathalizer
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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