i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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