she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
