He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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