The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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