Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
