I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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