Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
