i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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