it wasn't lemon gatorade
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
