So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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