And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
