A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
