how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
