Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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