My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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