considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
