The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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