mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
