he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Randomize
