false alarm. still invincible.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
