Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
