saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
