The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
