but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
