Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
