My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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