my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
