My room smells like vodka and shame
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
