My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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