Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
