cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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