you traded sex for a burrito?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
