I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
