She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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