Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
