she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
