I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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