does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Randomize
