The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
