Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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