I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
