if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
