my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.