so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
