so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
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You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
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The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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