I think my vagina is haunted
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
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Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Houston, we have a blender
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
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Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
It can also be a hat.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you