i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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