Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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