I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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