And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
