I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
