Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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