Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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