DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
