and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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