GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
